Sunday, December 16, 2007

Oh Boo-Hoo Little Model Girl....

The more I read back into my old travel journals from my modeling days, the more I tend to shake my head at myself and wonder why or how on earth I could possibly have found anything to wax and wane discontent about. I was living "pura vida" in every sense of the only real responsibilities besides making sure my student loans were getting paid, were to figure out where I was gonna travel to next, and to remain looking somewhat pleasing to the photographic lenses. But apparently I was dealing with some inner nostalgic turmoil at the time because during Season 2 in South Beach I came up with this pity soiree:


I have recently come to the conclusion and am coming to terms with the fact that you cannot relive the magic of a moment. You cannot go back to a place and expect everything to be as you left it. The memories you have made will forever be memories.

I have experienced so many amazing moments in 2000 with my first season in Miami and my unforgettable 4 months in Milan. I need to learn to appreciate those memories I made rather than wallow in the melancholy and deep nostalgia that always seem to ensue whenever I look at pictures or hear a song that reminds me of Milan or Miami last season.

I lived to the fullest extent possible for 8 straight months, experienced and did things the majority of people can only dream about, if even that. I thank God for all those blessings, yet a sadness still fills me, perhaps because I so badly want to go back & relive but I know I can't. What am I doing? I'm surrounded by friends here, making new memories every day. Why the torment? Do I need more out of life? The perpetual soul search is my curse.


Oh, have mercy. Poor, little model girl.....I mean, I know those feelings that I wrote about at the time were genuine. I was tormented obviously. But come on. When I look back at those days it was all glitz, fun, and travel....oh I miss it. I was surrounded by my best friends! What on earth was I whining about! Here I sit in Portland in gloomy-ass weather with only 2 people I can call close friends in town...both of which I rarely see because we are all so busy and are MOMS which is the BUSIEST CRAZIEST job ever. *Sigh* I really had nothing to complain about in retrospect. But, then again, when you have the kind of life that I did then, you kinda have to find something to cry about otherwise it would all seem too good to be true.