And on Another Bad Day in Miami....

Apparently I had more than one bad day, or just plain introspective day, while in Miami that season....because here is yet another pity soiree I captured in my journal. I can remember why I was inspired to write this, even though looking back I smirk at myself thinking how thin skinned I still was at that point in my career.

I wrote this entry after going to a fashion show casting for a swimwear designer who had all of us boys & girls line up in our bikinis (board shorts for the guys, with a random speedo thrown in here and there) and walked up and down in front of us with extremely loud critiques about all of our bodies. The comment I got this particular day was "I love your body but your knees are really big." Ok, so was I supposed to say "thanks" to the first half and "what the f***k do you mean by big knees?" to the last half? But I kept my mouth shut and smiled emptily as did everyone else who got shade thrown at them for being less than perfect.

12/19

I'm so tired of being perceived as the vacuous, pretty little thing. I'm not that. There's so much more to me. Self confidence & esteem are not my forte. I don't let everyone see that though. I don't know how to keep my chin up when I'm working as a piece of meat. Modeling, albeit at times devastatingly glamorous, is also painfully humbling. Always too something...too short, too young, too old, too skinny, too fat, too pale, too dark. I'm tired of never being perfect enough even though I belong to this "elite" group of mannequins....the clan of the beautiful people. We are hired, paid and hailed for being as close to perfect as humanly possible yet we are constantly scrutinized & dissected. Perfection is not perfect enough. Go figure.

I want to immerse myself in something I can grow & develop in. I want to write, use my brain, be passionate about something intellectually stimulating. I want to surround myself with other wanderers in the soul search. If I meet one more underaged, vapid, egocentric waif I think I may just spontaneously combust. There's only so much more of the "Oh my God I am so fat, I have a zit, my nails aren't shiny enough, is he/she better looking than me" laden conversations that I can take. All the bullshit.

This career is so fleeting. It caters to the youth and the youth obsessed. Good times...yeah. Travels....yeah. Adventures...hell yeah. I don't regret the memories. Man, all I've done and experienced goes beyond words. Just this Saturday I got paid an insane amount of money to play on a beach in the Bahamas. Tough. But are there greener pastures?

"Could you wanna take my picture, cuz I won't remember..." --Filter

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Of course this moment of fleeting mental anguish (LOL!) was nothing more than just that....fleeting. Because lord knows I kept getting bookings (even with my so-called gargantuan knees) and kept traveling. In my perception the Industry's goods definitely outweighed the bads and well....as of today I'm still a part of this world. Yeah. I'm in it til they force me to retire baby.