Tuesday, November 21, 2006

A Journey Through a Model's Intestines While In Japan.

I promised that I was gonna tell you what poop tea is....and so I must keep my word & deliver. But I must preface my description of this fine herbal concoction with a little explanation. Rice is huge in Asia, and in Japan, there is not a single meal that isn't served with a steaming bowl of white rice. You can even get a side of the stuff at McDonald's for God's sake. Delicious? Yes. Filling? Absolutely. Wreaks havoc on your intestines? Hell yes.

See, white rice is binding, as are Udon noodles, and any of the million of other rice based delicacies served in that great nation. The ridiculous amounts of pastries we would eat at the Japanese tea shoppes also, I am sure, did not help in the lack-of-roughage department. And when you are young & busy, eating a balanced meal is one of the last things on your mind. So, on many a day, we would eat an all carb diet with maybe an apple on the side if we were feeling particularly wealthy. Another thing I have to point out is that in Japan, produce is more expensive than 24 inch gold spoked rims. I have never in my life seen bigger and more beautiful apples, pears, grapes, lemons, tomatoes, carrots, etc. than I have there. (Impressive, although you have to wonder how many GMO's were being pumped into those things.) And along with the enormous size of the produce were their enormous price tags. Rice, noodles, bread, and cake were always cheap...so there you go.

Now, after eating all "white" carbs, toally processed and with not a shred of the original grain left intact, for a period of a week you start to wonder why your body has stopped "producing". If you have lived in a place where white rice, et. al. is what you eat three times a day, then I am sure your body is used to digesting it, and therefore you won't end up doubled over in pain or having your belly protrude as if you had just downed an oversized keg of beer. And if you are not paid to look like your stomach has never seen a spoonful of food, then having a gut that could be the home to a litter of bear cubs may not be a huge deal.....but here we were, both male & female models, going on swimwear and lingerie auditions all sucking in our ever expanding bellies and wincing at the pain in order to not be told by our bookers that we needed to lose weight. It was awful.

Nobody warns you that your intestines will become blocked as if by an anvil when you stop eating lots of fiber and instead replace it all with white rice rice rice rice rice. So here we were, suffering in silence, until one day my roommate comes bounding out into the living room (2 weeks after we got there....and I am not kidding, this means 2 weeks of NONE of us having made any movements if you catch my drift.....and sorry about the TMI, but pretty people have bowels too.) and yells out in her heavy Brazilian accent....."My mama sent me a box and it has poop tea in it!". This was greeted by a snicker and general silence after which she explained that she had not been able to defecate in over 2 weeks, and was in a lot of pain and worried about her career. At this point there were about six of us hanging out at the apartment and we all rushed in with our scatological confessions with great relief. Another Brazilian model suggested we make the tea immediately and have a tea party of sorts since her method of lighting a cigarette and drinking a cup of black coffee while on the pot first thing in the morning just wasn't working.

My roomie, Karen (Brazil), and I at our first Poop Tea Ceremony:

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Needless to say, the stuff worked. The heavens parted, and so on. Rice still remained our staple but we were sure to hit up the local Pizza Hut for their overpriced salad bar at least a few times a week. And we never again felt like we had overindulged in the plastic food displays that sat out in front of every restaurant in Japan. I also must say....if you ever find laxatives in a model's possesion while she is in Asia, please do not jump to the conclusion that she has an eating disorder. She may well be a seasoned pro or have been warned of the dangers of an all white rice diet.

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